things I'm taking with me into this new chapter

There’s something about standing on the edge of a new chapter that makes you want to look back.

Not necessarily to rewrite anything, but to take inventory.

What did I learn?
What changed me?
What am I ready to leave behind?
And, perhaps most importantly, what do I want to carry with me?

As I get ready to turn the page, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I want to take with me into this next chapter.

Not everything deserves a place in the next version of my life.

But some things absolutely do.

The courage to start over.

I used to think starting over meant I had failed.

Now I think it means I was brave enough to admit something wasn't working.

I want to keep that.

The willingness to begin again, even when I don't know exactly where I'll end up. The courage to change my mind. To take a different road. To admit that the plan I made at 18 might not be the plan I want at 21.

Starting over isn't going backward.

Sometimes it's the most forward thing you can do.

My curiosity.

I hope I never become someone who thinks she has it all figured out.

I want to keep asking questions.

I want to visit places I've never been, read books that change the way I think, meet people who see the world differently, and say yes to things that make me a little nervous.

There is still so much I don't know.

And honestly?

That's exciting.

The people who make ordinary days feel special.

The friends who will sit on the phone with me for hours.

The people who know when something is wrong before I say it.

The family members who make home feel like home.

The people who have watched me become different versions of myself and loved me through every one of them.

I'm taking those people with me.

Because I've learned that a beautiful life isn't just made up of big moments.

It's made up of kitchen conversations, late-night drives, inside jokes, coffee dates, Sunday afternoons, and laughing so hard you forget what you were worried about.

My faith.

I'm taking the reminder that I don't have to know the entire plan to trust the One who does.

There have been seasons when I've wanted answers immediately.

I've wanted to know where I'd live, what I'd do, who I'd become, and how everything would work out.

But maybe faith was never supposed to be about having the map.

Maybe it's about taking the next step anyway.

So I'm taking that with me.

Especially when I don't understand what's next.

The ability to romanticize my own life.

I don't want to wait for the big things to be happy.

I want to notice the little things.

Fresh sheets.

A good playlist.

Flowers from the grocery store.

Getting dressed up for absolutely no reason.

A favorite coffee order.

A sunset on the drive home.

Finding a new book.

Laughing with someone I love.

A plane ticket.

A quiet morning.

I spent so much time believing I had to get somewhere before my life could feel exciting.

Now I want to enjoy the getting there.

The reminder that I am not behind.

This one might be the hardest.

There will always be someone younger than me doing something I haven't done yet.

Someone my age who seems further ahead.

Someone who has the career, relationship, apartment, savings account, or life I thought I would have by now.

But their timeline isn't mine.

And mine isn't late.

I am allowed to be exactly where I am.

I am allowed to take the scenic route.

My dreams, even the ones that don't make perfect sense yet.

I'm taking the big dreams with me.

Even the ones I haven't figured out how to make happen.

Even the ones that sound a little unrealistic.

I don't want to become so practical that I forget how to dream.

Maybe some of them will change.

Maybe I'll outgrow a few.

Maybe some will surprise me by actually happening.

But for now, I'm letting myself want things.

I'm letting myself be excited about the future without needing to know exactly what it looks like.

A little more patience with myself.

Honestly, patience all around really isn't my thing; but reminding myself this chapter to be patient with others, and especially myself, is an important lesson I've decided I need to bring with me.

I am still becoming.

I don't need to have the perfect answer every time.

I don't need to make the perfect decision.

I don't need to know who I'll be five years from now.

I'm allowed to be a work in progress.

I'm allowed to change.

I'm allowed to have bad days.

I'm allowed to not know.

And I'm learning that becoming someone you love takes time.

The girl I was before I knew better.

I don't want to leave her behind.

I want to thank her.

For dreaming so big.

For being impatient.

For getting things wrong.

For trying anyway.

For believing the next chapter would fix everything.

She didn't know that she would eventually learn to love the chapter she was already in.

But she was doing her best.

And I'm proud of her.

So as I step into 21, I'm not trying to become an entirely new person.

I'm taking pieces of every version of myself that brought me here.

The lessons.

The laughter.

The mistakes.

The dreams.

The people.

The faith.

The memories.

The hope.

And maybe that's what a new chapter is really about.

Not becoming someone completely different.

But becoming more yourself.

So here's to 21.

Here's to whatever comes next.

I'm leaving behind the pressure to have it all figured out.

I'm leaving behind the need to rush.

I'm leaving behind the idea that my life has to look a certain way by a certain age.

And I'm taking curiosity, courage, faith, love, wonder, and a willingness to see what happens next.

For once, I don't want to skip ahead.

I want to be here.

Right here.

In this chapter.

And I have a feeling it might be my favorite one yet.

-xo, sleepless on sunday